English Licensed to U.S.A.(tm) in Historic Deal

South to the Future (holler@sttf.org)
Fri, 6 Dec 1996 08:42:19 -0800

STTF World Wide Wire Service
5 December 1996
DATELINE--Washington, P.C.


The management of English (the language) have entered into final
negotiations with the board of directors of the United States of America
(tm) to make English the official language of the U.S.A.(tm).

U.S.A.(tm) stocks (NASDAQ: USSA, NYSE: UsSA) have risen a combined 56.7
points in the last two days alone and are expected to almost double in
value by the end of the week. The final contract between the owners of
English (the language) and the U.S.A.(tm) will make that vocal and written
communication currency both exclusive and exclusionary. Earlier this week,
a competing bid by the fledgling Arizona State Supreme Court (ARSSC, not
publicly traded) failed pathetically to match the overly generous leveraged
buy out proposed by U.S.A.(tm) directors. Industry analysts note that
though there is no historical precedent for an official U.S.A.(tm) language
and little practical use for such an isolationist tactic in the
increasingly multilingual global market, the overall brand-name value of
the U.S.A.(tm) will increase significantly when the rights to English (the
language) are finally transferred.

Marketing strategies for the U.S.A.(tm) will now own total and unrestricted
use of English (the language) in any and all future campaigns. The stock
market's rumor mills have already begun to turn out such potential
post-buyout slogans as: "America -- Where only English is spoken." and "The
U.S. of A.(tm): What a difference a national language makes!"

The antiquarians in the audience will note that German (the language) was
defeated by just one vote as the official P.R. language of the U.S.A.(tm)
when the latter was first incorporated in the late 18th Century -- doing
government as (DGA) the Thirteen Colonies (tm).

Speculators have indicated that yet another industry giant, Microsoft (tm),
has already begun to investigate the possibility of buying English (the
language) from the U.S.A.(tm) and changing its name to Visual Basic (the
language). If and when this hostile takeover should take place, it is
forecast that marketing Visual Basic (the language) as the proprietary
tongue of the U.S.A.(tm) will have little or no impact on this country's
increasingly stupefied, shamed, and otherwise silenced citizenry.


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