(en) anti-bludgeoning accord - satire

Lyn Gerry (redlyn@loop.com)
Sat, 13 Dec 1997 08:06:10 +0000

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------- Forwarded Message Follows ------- Date: Fri, 12 Dec 1997 16:05:34 -0800 (PST) From: Lester <maxim@netcom.com> Subject: Anti-Bludgeoning Accord To: KPFA list <progressive-radio@tango.rahul.net>


Liverpool, England -- Diplomats from more than 160 nations approved the world's most comprehensive anti-bludgeoning treaty, which requires participating nations to bring about reductions in the bludgeoning deaths of children and elderly, starting in the year 2008.

In the waning hours of the conference, delegates wrestled over the final details before reaching an accord. Under it, the European Union would reduce fatal and crippling bludgeoning by 8% below 1990 levels, the U.S. by 7%, and Japan by 6%. Many U.S. businessmen feel betrayed. Their understanding had been that bludgeoning need not fall below the 1990 level. They were not assuaged by the fact that anti-mayhem legislation would not begin to be enforced until 2008.

Negotiators fell short of a second major U.S. goal -- vouchers. Most U.S. senators have said they are unlikely to approve a treaty that doesn't allow the United States to purchase trauma vouchers from nations who have overfulfilled their quotas. Without the credits, a coalition of blunt- instrument makers, led by Louisville Slugger, will bring terrific pressure to bear on the Senate to just say no. Other lawmakers said they would vote the treaty down because some less industrialized nations were not required to reduce bludgeoning. "We have to reduce, but China doesn't?" said an angry Newt Gingrich. "How fair is that?"

Milton Friedman and other nobel prize winning economists are on record as saying that attempts to interfere with bludgeoning will slow sales of two by fours and ball peen hammers, likely send the economy into a tailspin, and raise bludgeoning costs through the roof.

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