(en) Government Official(TM) (fwd) -Forwarded

by way of prat@chem.ucsb.edu (mike.tucker@cardinal.math.ucsb.edu)
Wed, 11 Jun 1997 10:41:57 -0700

A AA AAAA The A-Infos News Service AA AA AA AA INFOSINFOSINFOS http://www.tao.ca/ainfos/ AAAA AAAA AAAAA AAAAA

Enjoy this piece :-)



GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL(tm) by Jonathan P. Bernick Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official(tm). With regular maintenance your Government Official(tm) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President __ Vice-President __ Senator __ Congressman __ Governor __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce __ Cabinet Secretary - Other __ Other Elected Official (please specify) __ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official(tm)? (Please check all that apply)

__ TV ad __ Magazine/newspaper ad __ Shared jail cell with __ Former law partner of __ Unindicted co-conspirator with __ Arkansas crony of __ Procured for __ Related to __ Recommended by lobbyist __ Recommended by organized crime figure __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet) __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere) __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple __ Solicited bribe from me __ Attempted to seduce me

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official(tm)? (Please check all that apply)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts __ Have my prejudices turned into law __ Obtain diplomatic concessions __ Obtain trade concessions __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress __ Forestall military action against self/allies __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/ targets for future conquest __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)

__ Performance of currently owned model __ Reputation __ Price __ Appearance __ Party affiliation __ Professed beliefs of Government Official(tm) __ Actual beliefs of Government Official(tm) __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government __ Blackmail __ Celebrity endorsement

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official(tm)? ______ If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating/maintenance costs. __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model. __ Defect in current model: __ Dead __ Senile __ Indicted __ Convicted __ Resigned in disgrace __ Switched parties/beliefs __ Outbribed by competing interest

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official(tm) you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.

****** A-Infos News Service ***** News about and of interest to anarchists

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