Inner Cities to Recieve Soothing Heroin

Obed Matus (Obed.Matus@math.tamu.edu)
Wed, 11 Dec 1996 12:45:02 -0600 (CST)


WASHINGTON, DC--In a humanitarian relief effort expected to greatly
ease the pain of America's blighted
inner cities, the federal government will
begin importing and distributing the
wonder-drug heroin to the growing urban
underclass, President Clinton
announced Monday.

Citing "the horrible pain of
life in America's urban centers," Clinton urged all
Americans living below the poverty
line to begin using the substance
immediately and "forget the daily
agonies of your unceasingly horrific lives in a
mind-numbing rush of glorious,
opiate-induced oblivion."

"A lighter, a spoon, some
cotton balls and a syringe are all America needs
to end the misery of poverty
forever," Clinton continued. "Poor people of the
nation everywhere dream of a way out
of the ghetto, and I am here to tell them:
Do not give up on that dream.
America, heroin is that way out."

Government officials were
unanimous in their support for the president's
plan.

"This stuff is
unbelievable--we're talking 100 percent pure unrefined China
White," U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS)
said. "Our nation's poor are clearly going
to be on cloud nine once this
'mainline' hits the vein."

According to CIA Director John
Deutch, no price is too great to pay for
injections of the precious substance.

"These struggling people won't be thinking about anything--not
poverty, not starvation, not savage, random gang beatings--nothing at
all but that next sweet, sweet taste," Deutch said. "What an incredible
rush it will be for them."

According to federal studies, the levels of crime, poverty, despair
and
misery within the nation's inner cities have grown so rapidly in recent
years as to make survival "an impossibly hopeless task, endurable only
through the aid of massive, regular smack injections."

"Once these disenfranchised masses begin to shoot up, they will feel
like they can do anything," said Bruce McCartland, a top Clinton aide.
"And I mean anything: get a high-paying job, buy a new car, escape the
vicious cycle of poverty. You name it--when you're on the nod, anything
seems possible."

The program has the added advantage, said U.S. Secretary of Health
and Human Services Donna Shalala, of requiring no taxpayer funding, as
the substance can be purchased at bulk and sold for a small profit on city
streets.

"It's an extremely cost-effective program," Shalala said. "Once it
gets off the ground it will require very little additional funding, as our
studies show that the heroin users themselves will be willing to pay for
further doses of the substance. Heroin users are wonderfully resourceful
and entrepreneurial when it comes to finding the money to purchase
drugs. Some even start their own small businesses, such as selling their
bodies, or even the drug itself, in order to pay for
their next 'fix.'"

As an added bonus, the new program will help foster a strong sense
of community within inner cities, as heroin users
will likely often be forced to share needles.

"There's nothing more
beautiful," McCartland said, "than seeing a group of
young addicts coming together to pass
the needle around."

The latest in a recent string
of psychoactive drugs to hit the market, heroin
functions much like other
commercially available anti-depressants, such as
Prozac and Zolaft, which have created
an unprecedented boom in drug-therapy
pharmaceuticals in recent years.
However, experts say heroin is even more
powerful, causing an incredibly
pleasurable sensory overload of the central
nervous system and creating a
near-total shutdown of the areas of the brain
that register pain.

"Zolaft and Prozac have greatly
improved the emotional lives of millions of
America's mildly dissatisfied,
upper-middle class suburbanites," said Dr.
Louis Reed, author of the bestselling
Listening To Heroin. "But let's face it:
Prescribing Prozac to the wretched,
world-weary human flotsam of the inner
cities would be like putting a
band-aid on a massive head wound. Nothing less
than total chemically induced escape
from reality will do. Heroin is the way."

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