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(en) US, Minneapolis, DAYBREAK #6 - Healing the Red and Blue Rift With More Red

Date Sun, 29 May 2005 09:45:42 +0300

This is a difficult time for moderate Americans. The inseams of our
collective American Khakis are being torn asunder by partisan
strife and squabbling. We, here at the Center for the Anarchist
Experience, refuse to stomach even one more magazine article by
progressives that makes some sort of pun regarding states being
colored blue or red. We're here to say America is sick (of liberals
pretending they have a sense of humor so we’ll read their
dumb articles that have zero jokes in them). Sick to the bottom of
our intestines. In this spirit we've constructed a proposal that might
deal with the partisan politicos that are at the heart of all our
troubles so that we can merge this red and blue country into a
muddy brown superpower that will be of equal or greater size than
any other bureaucracy on earth!

In old times when people of the elite social classes had a problem
with one another they wouldn't talk about it or leave
passive-aggressive messages on dry eraser boards; they would pull
out their pistols and duel it out in a public square. Unfortunately
this practice has fallen out of habit since the time when that
old-timey neo-con Alexander Hamilton was shot to death by none
other than the vice-president. Like all our American traditions:
hemp products, puritanical repression as sexual perversion, and
stuff made from plastic, dueling too, was criminalized. But is there
anything more American than bloodsports? It's at the core of our
cultural legacy to watch two politicians blasting away at one
another until their clothes hang in shreds. It's about holding onto a
piece of our ancestors.

The benefits of decriminalization are manifold. Not only would
politicians wipe each other out (instead of wiping us out like they're
trying to do) but the wily ones who survive would be too busy
hiding and fighting to intrude on our lives. That would mean no
more hearing their inane squabbling about banning anesthesia
because Jesus never used it or bullshit about how people with no
mental capability (not politicians but the actual brain-dead) are
more important than the millions of Americans who die from a lack
of basic medical care or food.

There's a blandoid governor who resides in a great northern state
that’s given birth to such luminaries as Pig Eye and Hamms
(it's rumored that this governor has a little problem with a testicular
heat rash), does anyone think that he would dare dump 35,000
Minnesotans off public health care when R.T. "Smash" Rybak, the
mayor of Minneapolis was around. That guys a crazy
motherfucker! Or would anyone dare support drilling the arctic
refuge when Greens would send out their guerillas (or better yet
gorillas! How long must we wait for this step in the political
process) with biodegradable 'green' ammunition?

We need to call our congress people, our senators, and the city
council members and tell them to repeal the prohibition on dueling.
Tell them we want their blood to run red in the streets and for
caterpillars to nibble their corpses! And to egg them on a little bit it
wouldn't be a bad idea to start spreading rumors. If someone
dropped a hint about Governor Arnold’s propensity for man
panties (i.e., manties) it would surely get the ball rolling! But let's
be careful to ensure that they know that it's not us who want to kill
them. And we certainly don't want more poor people killing each
other, what we want, to misquote 19th century robber baron Jay
Gould: is for one half of our paid representatives to kill the other
half. And we promise no anarchists would ever be involved! We're
just here to reclaim our cultural heritage, as I believe is our right
under the UN Declaration of Human Rights. Decriminalization of
dueling between politicians now!

The Center for the Anarchist Experience would like to make the
following disclaimer: This piece is a satire and intended for
entertainment purposes only. We have to say this because you guys
have been crazy about persecuting anyone who talks shit about
you. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty actually sent some of his
security down to harass a busker who'd written a satirical song
about him. There are hundreds of cases of George Bush involving
everything from email message boards to art classes in High
Schools. We know why you're so paranoid that you read in every
parody a sense of danger. It's because people hate you, they despise
you, and if you listen to the chatter going on in the world, millions
have wished for the deaths of people of people who've been in your
position. It's crude but it's true. But anyway don't worry because
this is a satire, nothing more, really.

Daybreak is an anarchist tabloid put out from Minneapolis.

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