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(en) US, Minneapolis, DAYBREAK #6 - Columns: Pam

Date Thu, 09 Jun 2005 09:47:49 +0300

I haven’t been inspired in a while. I haven’t felt like
leaving my house, going to my stupid job, hanging out with
friends, and I sure as hell haven’t felt like working on
Daybreak! or any of the other projects I’ve committed myself
to. I am in a state of mopiness, in which the only activities that
appeal to me involve plenty of beer, sleeping, and staring off into
space when I’m supposed to be writing articles. I’ve tried
my usual remedies (long contemplative walks with my dog and
copious amounts of coffee) but nothing has helped. I am
unenthusiastic. I look around with the hope of finding something
to grasp onto and pull me out of my gloom, but nothing seems
worth getting excited about. But really, how am I supposed to find
inspiration when everything around me is shit? Things aren't
going so hot these days. I have been struggling pretty hard with a
sexual assault that occurred almost two years ago. It doesn't help
that I just ended a long term relationship with someone that's been
the core of my support system for nearly three years. Meanwhile,
I'm trying to comprehend the decisions people in my life are
making and to deal with personalities I don't understand. Of
course, my level of general anxiety has also tripled in recent
months, making the decision making process and every-day social
interactions that much harder. I feel completely overwhelmed.
And as these things have taken over, important friendships are
deteriorating and opportunities are flying by but I feel to frustrated
and helpless to care.

Just lately, I've been realizing how bad things have gotten. Why
should this dumb ol' column take two months to write? Shouldn't
I be able to force myself to work on the projects I love? It seems
like everyone is moving forward but me. I'm stewing over yearsof
bottled-up bullshit that has been too difficult to deal with, and I find
myself in the exact same place I was two years ago. It makes me
sick to think how much time has passed and how much more I
could have accomplished, had I dealt with certain experiences
sooner. But what's done is done and I think I'll explode if I
swallow one more emotion. I guess that means it's about fucking
time to work on the ol' mental health and directly confront all that's
keeping me down, as terrifying as that may be. I'm committed to
working on myself, no matter how long it takes, no matter what
else I have to put on hold. I'm ready to be done carrying the
burdens of the past and move on with my life. It's April and
probably about time to "spring forward," as they say.
Daybreak is an anarchist tabloid put out from Minneapolis.

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