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(en) bRITAIN, SchNEWS 491, All Fools Day, 2005 WAKE UP!!! IT'S YER PINCH 'N' PUNCH...

From Jo Makepeace <webmaster@schnews.org.uk>
Date Fri, 1 Apr 2005 19:36:36 +0200 (CEST)

A - I N F O S N E W S S E R V I C E
News about and of interest to anarchists
http://ainfos.ca/ http://ainfos.ca/index24.html

We in the West have sat by and watched as Africa's share of the
global economy has halved in the last 20 years - thanks to
gobbleisation. Despite the optimism of Live Aid, Africa has got
poorer and poorer - due to free trade and the rigging of world
commodity markets. This is now a continent with 15% of the world's
population and 28% of world poverty - poverty which has made the
effects of AIDS much worse than it might have been, and 26 million
are now living with the virus. Well, some of us have had enough...

On the twentieth anniversary year of that Live Aid concert, Sir
Bob Geldof, Bono and their pals, Elton John, Chris Martin, Phil
Collins and Paul McCartney are leading a project which goes
further than just "Drop 3rd World Debt' - they're actually going
to start paying the debts from their own pockets! Launching the
campaign, called "Sponsor A Third World country", Geldof said,
"How else do you stop fecking global poverty from your Surrey
mansion? It's a win-win situation because the poor are helped, and
global capitalism can carry on too. And we'll sell a few records
on the back of it." Paul McCartney has already helped by chipping
in to cover Tanzania's $130million yearly debt payment, Rod
Stewart is offering to pick up the tab on Swaziland's overdraft,
and Elton John will be moving to a new palatial residence in newly
acquired Botswana as soon as the cheque clears. Sting has said
that he "wants to help countries which love music - like the
people in the Amazon who stick a CD through their throat". The
record companies are apparently happy to tap into the burgeoning
'anti-poverty-rock' market.

But all this generosity could soon be dwarfed by a tsunami of
relief if this latest celeb trend crosses the Atlantic. Hollywood
insiders suggest left-leaning actors may be about to lead a
star-studded stampede on the poorest nations, as they race each
other to acquire the hottest status symbol accessory going - the
role of 'saviour' to a whole country. Big names are in talks to
include free AIDS drugs on new DVD releases in Africa and George
Clooney was allegedly recently seen stepping off a plane in Chad.
African styled clothing is tipped to make a big splash on
America's catwalks this coming season. Watch this space. Not.


Gleneagles Goes Bananas

The luxury golf resort north of Edinburgh, Gleneagles, all set to
host this year's G8 summit in July is to get new tropical gardens
for the event. The curators of the resort claim that with global
warming and record high CO2 levels in the atmosphere, it is hoped
that the new projected temperature increases can be used to grow
tropical species in Perthshire.

Initially the gardens will need heating, but experts say that in
twenty years this area will be able to support tropical plants for
the first time in 30,000 years. But don't expect the new gardens
will be there forever because it's also estimated that the gulf
stream will have stopped by 2050, plunging the luxury golf resort
into permanent arctic conditions - by which time Gleneagles will
have shifted it's focus from golf to skiing. Zoologists say that
in July during the G8 summit Gleneagles will be swarming with
parrots and monkeys.


Bull In A China Shop

One country left out at the G8 party - but not for too much
longer - is China. For a long time the Chinese government have not
been interested in joining the G8 because it was seen as 'too
liberal and wishy-washy' to work with - but recently they are
saying that the new draconian laws which have come to G8 countries
since 9/11 are making them almost totalitarian enough for China to
see eye-to-eye with.

The Chinese development minister is quoted as saying: "these days
every country has got skeletons in the closet - and dissidents
incarcerated - and so we start to look quite moderate. I'm sure we
can agree with countries like Britain or the US on the need to
keep a tight rein on politically active citizens who try to take
things into their own hands." Speculation that there could be a G8
summit and other big business gatherings in China sometime soon
has given the five-star hotel resort market in China a big shot in
the arm.


We're All Going On A Summit Holiday

At this year's G8 summit in Gleneagles security chiefs are trying
a novel idea. To make sure there's not another protest like Genoa
in 2001, when police shot a demonstrator, £20 million is to be
spent putting on free charter flights for protesters during the
summit, leaving from Gleneagles Air Strip to faraway exotic

The existing security budget is already £150 million so it's
figured that the extra money will be a small price to pay to give
the protesters a nice holiday and keep them away so the summit can
go on. It's still to be decided where the destinations for the
protesters will be but the likely targets could be barmy Burma,
sunny Western Sahara or hairy Azerbaijan - but wherever they go
they will be allowed to continue their protests and take on the
local paramilitary force. SchNEWS warns all protesters taking up
the offer - check the tickets don't say 'Guantanamo' or 'Bagram'.



For going bang!

Two teenagers were arrested for threatening behaviour when the
Queen visited Wakefield last week. The pair burst balloons as the
royals arrived in the city. Apparently the Queen was unaware of
the incident - and even if she was, as she's regularly in the
countryside shooting small defenceless animals with high powered
shotguns, SchNEWS is sure a couple of popping balloons wouldn't
frighten her...



After months of corporate screenings and focus-grouping the long
awaited SchNEWS at Ten movie has finally landed (with a squelch)!

75 minutes of Anarchistic direct action reporting, in full
glorious 'techno-colour.' Complete with 'realistic' wobbly
camerawork from a decade's worth of momentous protest events (and
police protester-abuse) from around the world: London, Seattle,
Genoa, Prague and Worthing (!)

If you read SchNEWS, how can you not want to own this film? More
importantly, if you want us to afford to continue producing
SchNEWS, how can you not buy this film? If you're a hardened
protestor relieve the last decade and if you're a new or casual
reader why not catch up on some history and find out why we can be
bothered to write the SchNEWS every week.

View the trailer here now or buy direct from www.cultureshop.org

"An incredible film" - SchNEWS

"I've never even heard of SchNEWS..." - B. Norman

"A tour de force" - M.Howard


Going Overground

Ah the beauty of British law...if someone proposes a major public
works project which might affect the environment and people's
quality of life, the project can be examined by a "Public
Inquiry". A combination of the judiciary and experts are drafted
in to carefully weigh up all the evidence and ascertain whether
the project is necessary and really does bring public
benefits...if they support the enterprise all well and good - you
can use it to weaken any opposition to the scheme - and if they
don't...well you can always just ignore their findings.

Consider, for example, the largest urban road building scheme in
the country: the M74 extension. The Scottish Executive's plan to
build 6 miles of elevated motorway right across Glasgow at a cost
of £250m was challenged by a range of groups (now formulated into
JAM74 - Joint Action against the M74) aware that new roads rarely
reduce congestion, have negative environmental effects and bring
few benefits for locals. In fact, the main beneficiaries are
usually the building contractors, whose eyes light up like fruit
machines at the prospect of so much easy cash, and of course their
mates the local government officials, who certainly don't need
bribing to hand out the contracts and almost never have any
financial interests in the building firms themselves.

In light of the growing opposition, the matter was referred to
Public Inquiry in 2003. Despite seeming less than independent -
all personnel were selected by the McGovernment - they reported
their findings in March 2004 and overwhelmingly came out against
the scheme. Now, in March 2005, the Scottish Executive has
announced their intention to press on and build the unwanted road
for, er...£500m. A triumph for democracy and a bargain to boot!
That's not to say this is the final bill - the Glasgow Herald
recently reported it may cost up to £1 billion...Millennium Dome

Dave Spaven of TRANSform Scotland (a campaign for sustainable
transport, part of the JAM74 coalition) said, "The Executive's
decision to press ahead...despite the specific recommendation of
the Inquiry Reporters...is a scandal." Will Jess, Chair of JAM74
adds, "The Executive and the City Council have condemned
Glaswegians to a legacy of air pollution and chromium
contamination. JAM74 is not going away, hundreds of objectors to
this road have signed our 'beat the bulldozer' pledges and we will
challenge this decision in the courts." If that doesn't work, it
seems to SchNEWS that (direct) actions will have to speak louder
than (official) words...

* Next JAM74 meeting is 5 April, 7:30pm, Govanhill Community
Centre, Daisy St, Glasgow. www.jam74.org

* In an effort to bury bad news at Easter when we were all too
busy stuffing our faces with chocolate, the Department for
Transport announced that twelve new roads are to be added to the
roads programme. Totalling £1.38 billion it includes the M1
widening from Chesterfield to Leeds, and the M62 from Huddersfield
to Leeds. This is despite the Highways Agency being asked to look
at 'traffic management' for these schemes. Also the A11 in
Attleborough, Norfolk (a widening of a failed bypass) was given
the go-ahead. Recently published, but buried, figures on the DfT
website show that to produce their 30 year plan, they made the
assumption that by 2025 traffic would grow by 40%, over 4000 kms
of trunk roads would be built, and that the cost of motoring would
fall... business as usual then.

Road Block 01803 847649 www.roadblock.org.uk


SchNEWS in brief

* Meeting against ID Cards in London this Sunday (3rd) 2pm at
Bankside House directly behind Tate Modern 0795 123 7015

* Wanna be a clown? The Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army are
in training for the G8 protests every Monday evening for 6 weeks,
beginning next Monday 4th April. Pie throwing will commence at the
Ramparts Social Centre, 17 Rampart street E1 2LA (Aldgate
East/Whitechapel tube) 7-9pm www.clownarmy.org

* Art imitating life? As part of the pre-election Bob Dodds
satirical party at Brighton's Concorde II next Wednesday (6th),
check out 'One for Sorrow' - a black comedy about a local
recycling company being shafted by a huge incinerator corporation.
Which sounds er, amazingly like Brighton firm Magpie being shafted
by the Council planned incinerator at Newhaven - only with more

* New regulations concerning the addition of fluoride to water
come into effect today. They protect water companies against civil
and criminal liability and outline (non) consultations that have
to be held before ordering our water to be poisoned. In
fluoridated areas people are already withholding bill payments and
water companies are not suing them as they are desperate to keep
the whole issue hushed. www.fluoridealert.org

* Next Weds (6th) There's a Peanuts4benefits Campaign day of
action outside Job Centres across the country

* 'Pumping Poverty' is a new report looking into British overseas
aid that funds oil development. And guess who benefits? Yep, the
wealthiest corporations. Read it in full www.planb.org

* India's TUC have called a 3-day general strike across the
country. Since Wednesday only State owned business has remained
open. See http://india.indymedia.org

* The campaign against the planned fourth runway at Gatwick is set
to receive a Scandinavian boost. Rekjavik Earth First, satisfied
that everything in their country is ecologically A-OK is planning
a sortie to the UK. Ølaf Øzønføkkersøn spokesviking for the group
told Schnews "We're looking forward to showing you English how
it's done - climate change is the biggest threat facing the planet
today and we're inviting groups to join us when we arrive at
Heathrow next week". Contact Thompson Holidays for more details.


Positive SchNEWS

Zines are the ultimate in DIY self-made, independent publications
covering everything from the personal to band interviews, ones
full of poetry or your favourite footy team. If you love 'em then
get along to the first ever London Zine Symposium on April 16th
where there will be stalls, films, exhibitions and workshops on
the zine tricks of the trade like DIY distribution, web design,
t-shirt customizing, tricks and scams. It's at 76 Gower Street,
London (Goodge St tube) 2-8 pm and is free entry.


The Future's Orange

It's been a bad month for the Vietnamese. Well its been a bad
three decades since their friendly visits from "Uncle Sam", but
hey. In early March a US judge threw out a case against a number
of chemical manufacturers (including Monsanto and Dow Chemicals)
brought by VAVA, an international campaign to gain justice and
compensation for Agent Orange victims, the judge saying "There is
no basis for any of the claims of the plaintiffs under the
domestic law of any nation or state or under any form of
international law." Well, that's all right then.

The US government has consistently refused any moral or legal
responsibility for the dumping of millions of gallons of highly
poisonous dioxin-based Agent Orange on Vietnam between 1962 and
1971, although this itself was against 'international law' - the
Geneva Convention 1925 ban on chemical weapons.

Ever growing evidence is pointing at the huge dioxin-related
health problems emerging from the country - up to a million people
with serious health problems (Hodgkin's Disease, Multiple
Myleoma, Respiratory Cancers, Prostate Cancer, Spina Bifida,
Diabetes, Chronic and Lymphocytic Leukemia are just some of the
conditions associated with Agent Orange - on the Amercian
Veterans' own website). This figure includes 150,000 children born
with major birth defects, and levels of bloodstream toxicity
measured at 200 times the recommended "safe" levels. The US has
stuck to its "there's no evidence" defense and refused all claims
for compensation. In 2003, Bill Clinton belatedly agreed to fund
some scientific research into the issue - which a few weeks ago
was cancelled. So, Uncle Sam, as ever, says to anyone on the
receiving end of their crimes against humanity - "Screw you!"

Sign the "Justice for Victims of Agent Orange" petition at

For more background info:


..and finally...

In possibly the least covert action in Animal Liberation history,
a conjuror's rabbit was pinched in the middle of his act. One
lucky bunny this Easter was Georgina, freed from a life of bright
lights, confined spaces and a buffoon pulling handkerchiefs out of
his nose.

The "Great Velcro"- Mr Lynn Thomas - was said to have "come
unstuck" at the news that "Hey, Presto!" Georgina had permanently

Lynn, 61, a royalist sycophant who has performed for the Queen Mum
(before she died presumably) said: "I was in the middle of my act
when I saw this shadow out the corner of my eye fumbling with my
top hat, then someone from the audience came up to me and said
'Was that man supposed to run off with your rabbit?'"

To make a rabbit disappear is old hat, but both hat and rabbit -
Now that's magic!

The cunningly disguised dreadlocked thief disappeared into the
night with a cry of "You'll like this, but not a lot..." The Great
Velcro was understandably 'sad' with this loss of, what was
apparently, his fourth rabbit. SchNEWS would like to know if
anyone knows what became of any of his previous rabbits - to
misquote Oscar Wilde: "To lose one rabbit might be a misfortune,
but to lose four sounds like a conspiracy."

According to an anonymous postcard received by SchNEWS, Georgina
is planning a permanent retirement from show business.



We need a few more of you to make standing orders to your
favourite weekly direct action newssheet. It's all bills, bills,
bills. Even if it's just £1 a month, it all helps (and seeing as
we've got 60,000 readers, if you all did we could write SchNEWS
from a tropical island) www.schnews.org.uk/extras/help.htm



We need one kind and reliable bod who can get up on a Friday
morning (and we mean morning!) to print SchNEWS every week at the
Resource Centre. It only takes an hour an a bit each week. If you
live in the area and up for it please get in touch with SchNEWS



SchNEWS warns all readers we've always got a trick up our sleeve ,
don't pull our punches an', well' yer just gotta take yer hat off
to us for such magical puns! Honest.



What's On? Check out out Party and Protest guide at
www.schnews.org.uk/pap/guide.htm - it's updated every week, has
sections on regular events, local events, protest camps and



To unsubscribe, go to the website and follow the instructions
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SchNEWS At Ten It costs £9 inc. p&p per book, further
details as below.

PEACE DE RESISTANCE It costs £7 INC. p&p per book, further
details as below...this one comes with a free multimedia CD too!
SchNEWS Of The World - issues 301-350 for £4!! Past books are
goin' cheap... SchNEWSround issues 51-100 - SOLD OUT; SchNEWS
annual issues 101-150 - a snip at £2; Survival Handbook issues
- sold out; SchQUALL issues 201-250 - sold out;
Yearbook 2001 issues 251-300 - bargain £3. All prices inc. p&p.
Cheques to 'Justice?' - Honest!

In addition to 50 issues of SchNEWS, each book contains articles,
photos, cartoons, subverts, a "yellow pages" list of contacts,
comedy etc. You can also order the books from a bookshop or

Subscribe to SchNEWS: Send 1st Class stamps (e.g. 10 for next 9
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"originals" if you plan to copy and distribute. SchNEWS is
post-free to prisoners.


SchNEWS, PO Box 2600, Brighton, BN2 0EF, England
Phone: 01273 685913 (NO FAX)
Email: schnews@brighton.co.uk Web: www.schnews.org.uk


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